Who's Bill This Time
BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. Hey, baby, I'll start your heart. I'm your defib-Bill-ator (ph), Bill Kurtis.
KURTIS: And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.
PETER SAGAL, HOST:
Thank you, Bill.
SAGAL: Thank you all so much.
SAGAL: Thank you, everybody. We have got a great show for you today. Later on, we're going to be talking to Julian Castro. He is the secretary of Housing And Urban Development. He is this show's sixth cabinet secretary we've had on as a guest. That's very exciting because we get one more, and we can swap them all for a foot-long Joe Biden.
SAGAL: Punch on the card. It's great. But you don't have to be a secretary of anything to play our games. Give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
AUSTIN HOLLER: Hi, Peter. This is Austin Holler from Laramie, Wyo.
SAGAL: Hey, I love Laramie - a beautiful place out there in the middle of the prairie. What do you do there?
HOLLER: I am an orderly in our surgery department.
SAGAL: Do people have cool western injuries?
SAGAL: Do they come in with, like, brand ironing injuries or something fun like that?
HOLLER: Well, some things like that sometimes, I suppose.
SAGAL: Yeah. Yeah. But it must be - you must - what do you do for fun in Laramie 'cause it's so beautiful out there?
HOLLER: Rock climb, backpack, mountaineer - pretty much anything outside.
SAGAL: If you're working as a orderly in a surgery department, I'm assuming you're seeing a lot of accident victims. Does it ever keep you from doing anything?
SAGAL: Well, good luck to you. Let's move quickly to the game than while you're still with us.
SAGAL: Austin, let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, a comedian taping his live standup special September 17 at SPACE Gallery in Portland, Maine - it's Brian Babylon.
SAGAL: Next, a comedian whose new book "You'll Grow Out Of It" is in your bookstores now. It's Jessi Klein.
SAGAL: And a writer and humorist whose latest book is "Save Room For Pie." It's Roy Blount, Jr.
SAGAL: Austin, you are going to play Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotations from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you'll win our prize, scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kasell's voice on your home answering machine. Are you ready to play?
HOLLER: So ready.
SAGAL: All right. Here's your first quote.
KURTIS: I'm narrowing it down. I mean, I'm a three, potentially four. But in my own mind, I probably am thinking about two.
SAGAL: That was somebody giving us an insight into the incredibly careful process that he used to choose his running mate. Who was it?
HOLLER: That would be The Donald.
SAGAL: The Donald, yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: This week, all the talk was about who Donald Trump would pick as his VP, and now everybody says it will be Indiana Governor Mike Pence. Pence once was rumored to seek the presidency himself at one time, but apparently he has decided it would be better to be the answer to a bar trivia question in 2040.
JESSI KLEIN: Isn't Mike Pence the one who, like, wouldn't let people - like wanted to pass that law where people didn't have to buy gay pizza or whatever?
SAGAL: Yes, that was - it was the one...
KLEIN: You don't have to go to a gay - no, a gay bakery if you didn't...
KLEIN: Something with that nonsense.
SAGAL: In Indiana, they were trying to protect the people from having to sell pizza to gay people.
KLEIN: Oh, yeah. Not gay pizza - the other way around.
SAGAL: Yeah, the pizza wasn't gay.
KLEIN: It was stupid regardless.
SAGAL: Although, I've got to say, some of that pizza with, like, pineapples I have my worries about.
KLEIN: Oh, no, no, no.
KLEIN: If he had banned that, I would be all for it. That's a whole other issue.
ROY BLOUNT, JR.: I was hoping it was going to be Chris Christie 'cause they're so awful together. Just...
BLOUNT, JR.: They're like Ralph Kramden and little Ralph Kramden.
SAGAL: Also, this week, the Trump campaign announced their lineup of convention speakers for next week, including the president of the Ultimate Fighting Championship company, failed NFL quarterback Tim Tebow and, quote, "Natalie Gulbis, the 484th-ranked female golfer in the world," unquote.
BLOUNT, JR.: They had to run through a lot of female golfers.
SAGAL: Yeah, I know.
BLOUNT, JR.: No. No. No. No. How about you? No. No. No.
KLEIN: It's a - that's a veritable who's that of people.
SAGAL: I know. It's really true.
SAGAL: Austin, your next quote is a response to a big endorsement this week, also in politics.
KURTIS: I want my $27 back.
SAGAL: That was somebody reacting to whom finally endorsing Hillary Clinton?
HOLLER: Bernie Sanders.
SAGAL: Yes, indeed. Bernie Sanders did it.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: This week, the crusty, old senator finally endorsed the woman he has been vilifying for a year with the same enthusiasm that he would use if he was inviting those kids to come back on his lawn.
SAGAL: His followers and supporters were outraged. They called him a sellout, not only because he's now praising Hillary, but also because he also endorsed the crisp, refreshing flavor of Mountain Dew.
BRIAN BABYLON: So can he go back to his old job also being the guy who's in the balcony critiquing Muppet performances?
KLEIN: Statler and Waldorf.
SAGAL: It's the same. Waldorf...
KLEIN: Sanders and Waldorf.
SAGAL: Waldorf has been up there all alone for a year and now...
SAGAL: ...Sanders will come back. That's very nice. No, it's amazing, like, how incredibly upset all his formerly loyal followers were. It's like they discovered that this young revolutionary they were following was in fact this old senator from Vermont.
SAGAL: It's like Scooby Doo, but sort of in reverse. He takes off the old man mask to reveal that he's actually an old man.
UNIDENTIFIED MAN: Zoinks (ph).
KLEIN: I think it would be cute if Bernie and Hillary ended up in like a rom-com movie situation 'cause it is that thing where it's, like, they meet each other, and they hate each other at first.
BLOUNT, JR.: Yeah.
BABYLON: Yeah. And then the black lady's at the airport like, girl, you better get him and believe.
BLOUNT, JR.: Yeah.
BLOUNT, JR.: Did they cuddle at all? Did they embrace?
SAGAL: No. They...
BLOUNT, JR.: I didn't - I thought I saw him go like this.
SAGAL: They actually had one of the most awkward hugs I have ever seen.
BABYLON: Honestly, the most awkward thing of all time was that Al Gore kiss.
BLOUNT, JR.: Yeah.
BABYLON: That Al Gore roll-by kiss.
KLEIN: Oh, gosh.
BABYLON: Like, (imitating robot) I don't understand love.
BABYLON: (Imitating robot) I'm Al Gore.
KLEIN: (Imitating robot) I am touching you with my mouth.
SAGAL: No, I actually - if we're going to talk about Al Gore kiss - we're talking about him with Tipper back in 2000. I was uncomfortable because it was too intimate. It was like, dude, you're on TV, man.
BLOUNT, JR.: You don't kiss your wife like that.
KLEIN: Yeah, your girlfriend, not your wife.
SAGAL: All right, Austin. Your last quote is actually from an official statement put out by an Australian police station this week.
KURTIS: You don't have to actually step inside the station in order to gain the Pokeballs.
SAGAL: That was a quote about what new craze?
HOLLER: The Pokemon Go.
SAGAL: Pokemon Go. yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: This is the thing. You all know what it is.
SAGAL: 'Cause you've all you either played it or been walked into by somebody playing it. It is an augmented reality game. And you stand there, and you look through your phone at monsters that aren't really there, and you try to catch them. Within a week of its release - and this was the first week - it became the most popular app in the world, even more so than Tinder. By the way, do not combine...
BLOUNT, JR.: ...Pokemon Go with Tinder. Otherwise, you'll end up making out with a Squirtle.
KLEIN: Is a Squirtle one of the things?
SAGAL: It's a Pokemon. Yeah. I happen to have that in my Pokedex, so don't make fun.
SAGAL: What's amazing is it's everywhere, even places it should not be. The U.S. Holocaust Museum in Washington, D.C., had to put out an official request to keep people from wandering into their museum to hunt Pokemons. Look...
BLOUNT, JR.: Where's their sense of fun?
BLOUNT, JR.: Come on.
SAGAL: But wait a minute, I can get in here and capture the elusive Pika-Jew (ph).
UNIDENTIFIED PEOPLE: Oh.
KLEIN: Too soon, Peter.
KLEIN: Too soon. What do you win with this game if you get the balls?
SAGAL: I don't know, but I am willing to devote the rest of my waking hours to finding out.
SAGAL: And I think I speak for America when I say that. Bill, how did Austin do on our quiz?
KURTIS: He caught 3 pokeballs just a minute ago. Austin, congratulations.
HOLLER: Thank you. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.